My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
