So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
