I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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