I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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