I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
