I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize