last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize