I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
