Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
