Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
