Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
