im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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