nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
