Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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