I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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