she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
