I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
