I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
