I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
