His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
