96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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