he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
