Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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