I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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