ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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