i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
