I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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