Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
