When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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