I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My ass is underappreciated
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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