So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
