Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am midnight drunk by noon
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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