If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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