I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
