It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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