You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
