I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
