I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
