Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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