Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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