Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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