Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
