Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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