I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize