I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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