I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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