Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
