The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
