are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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