I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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