mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I look better un-naked...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
