I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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