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I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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