Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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