Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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