My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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