The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
