Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
