I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
