i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
